I seem to have loads I want to write today.............

...........but don't know where to start.

• Adam got his first tooth on Monday, seems to be the time for first's in our house. He is now called 'the one tooth wonder'

Was upstairs clearing out my 5 year old's wardrobe of all the clothes that don't fit him anymore, happy as larry getting on with it and the postman called with my parcel of books that I had ordered from Amazon, sat down to have a look at them and put my head in my hands and cried my eyes out. Now 6 mths ago this would have been a regular accorance for me but now never. The book that will be forever known as the book that made me cry is called 'I Can, Can you' It is such a beautiful book. The pictures in this book are amazing each page has a photo of a child with DS and the things they can do.

In my words, it made me Down Syndrome Aware again today. Now I'm not a novice when it comes to special needs having grown up with a sister who has learning difficulties (not DS) and a niece 11 with special needs (who I have spent a lot of time with). But over the last year I have realised the lack of awareness I have had sometimes with people that are 'different'. How much having a child with special needs opens your own eyes to the world around.

A week later.....

...............was told today (albeit by an old lady) that Adam looks so mild he probably grow out of it. A year ago that comment would have killed me but now I can smile, at least she didn't tell me that he was going to work in Tesco.........but that's a whole different post altogether.

................and we have another tooth today yippee

Adam's first time in the snow

Picture taken 2nd Feb 2009

My Ramblings on the DSI Conference for New Parents in Dublin

A year ago on Sunday I posted on a forum about my 9 day old son who has Downs Syndrome to say that I was a mess is an understatement, I was going to post it here but when I went back in just now to read it I found it so upsetting so I'll leave it in the past where it belongs. Now I just feel so different to the way I felt then I can't believe it .........

• Some of it was down to time.
• Some of it was because I allowed myself to grieve in my way and my time
• Some of it was support

......but most of it was down to the wonderful people in Down Syndrome Ireland who held a Conference for New Parents in Malahide the week before Adam's Birthday. I can't say it was any one thing at the conference that changed things for me so completely but the whole experience. I came back from the conference feeling so different.

I had a desperate need to see the bigger picture. I wanted to know everything was worried about everything to do with Adam's future. I was panic stricken over whether or not to send Adam to mainstream school because I didn't want him to be the only different child in the school. I had all of these kinds of worries that people with children without Down Syndrome couldn't understand, I desperately tried to talk to people about how I felt and couldn't get anyone to undersand so I felt like I had a knot inside with all of the things that I couldn't say. I got to say it all to the wonderful other parents who where at the conference and I finally felt that I got rid of the knot that was getting bigger inside me.

I never normally write things down but that weekend I couldn't stop writing it was all things that came to me during my time there. But some of the things I wrote in my diary over that weekend and in the 2 weeks since I came back........

• Allow Down Syndrome to be part of my life, I don't have to like the DS but recognise it as something that is there, if I embrace it, it becomes easier to accept it
• Trust my own Judgement. Accept help.
• May Gannon has given me the knowledge to do this, the strength to do this, the hope to do this.
• I felt like I no longer belonged anywhere and was searching constantly for some place to belong when I got home from the weekend I walked into my home and like a lightbulb dinged and I said out loud 'this is where I belong' it meant nothing to anyone else but was a hugh deal for me.
• Don't worry about mainstream school.
• Guilt is a natural emotion but not resourceful
• I am the expert in Adam's life.
• Don't be afraid to keep repeating yourself to make yourself heard.
• Believe in yourself
• Remember to take care of yourself
• Don't give him the 'God help him' complex (Guilty of this already)
• It's okay to have expectations (I was the opposite)

Finally I sat down and wrote how I felt the night when I got home .........

..................Weekend was wonderful. Right now I feel so at peace with myself as Adam's Mother. I am not worried now about the future for and with Adam. I can now settle into life as Adam's mother knowing that I am doing a good job, nobody knows Adam or what's best for him over me. I have strength confidence and the ability to do this.

Adam's 1st Birthday